The 2017 GZL Draft has come and gone and this intrepid writer got to spend the first three rounds watching the draft as it unfolded, secure in the knowledge their beloved Denver Broncos were on holiday in the Carribean. A quick look around the draft hall on that haloed day would see the Denver table absent of all staff members except Scruffy the Janitor, quietly snoozing under the protection of the well worn center fold page of his "Guns 'n' Jugs" magazine, circa 2001.
So, while I scoffed down yet another free bagel, I decided to keep a diary of the picks until we finally reached the Broncos' first pick in the 4th round...unfortunately, I only made it to through the top 10 before being asked to give an interview.
- CB Richard Sherman
- Goddammit! One pick in and I'm already angry! They're out of cream cheese already. I blame the Minnesota contingent. They're whooping and hollering and carrying on like they're on some kind of junket. Of course, this Sherman kid is going to suck in the AFC West. And by suck, I mean we're going to need a bigger wide receiver. Maybe the Raiders will do us a solid and send their gentle, kind supporters to visit his house in the off-season? You know...give him a "welcome" package?
- WR Josh Gordon
- Already wondering if I can quietly pour some of my hip flask into my coffee. The 49ers representative was smiling way too much when he approached the stand. I think he is in on the disgraceful shortage of cream cheese. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the freak from Baylor they uncovered. Damn Californian teams. Only benefit for us here is the bugger is in another conference. We'll only have to face him once every four seasons.
- WR Aaron Drogan
- I found cream cheese! Had to beat out this giant kid who was swatting aside linemen, linebackers and the occassional coach with a surname of Ryan trying to get there. I thought he was a rogue linebacker or defensive end but it turns out he is a wide receiver. My beloved Broncos may have to start training with the tactic of piggy-backing corners if they ever want to get close to his reach. The Jets really liked him. They gave him a cap, but he ate it. He may be led onto the field in the future with a chain around his neck.
- DE Jadeveon Clowney
- Either that shot of whiskey in the coffee is kicking in or the Chicago Bears are recruiting a clown at Defensive End. I suppose that could work. Distraction through laughter or an incomrephensible fear of clowns. Oh, wait. His name
is Clowney. He looks like he could chase down Usain Bolt and use him as basketball and probably has done that for any teasing of his surname. Good thing I was eating a bagel covered in sweet, sweet cream cheese and couldn't shout out "Send in the clown"!
- MLB Ricky Austin
- Some pompous functionary told me to be quiet when I let forth a fart of epic proportions. Who knew bagels, cream cheese, coffee and Irish whiskey would cause that effect? And while this linebacker accepting a Saints hat and shaking hands might be a fine recruit for the Top 10, he's the first pick coming out that looks normal for the draft. It's almost boring. Not bad...just...normal?!?
- CB Dermarius Stonewall
- I was evacuating the area due to my own contribution to toxic warfare when someone mentioned Washington and Stonewall. A Stonewall has finally made it to Washington!?! The Rebs are coming! From my safety position under the media table for the Kansas City Chiefs, I noted this Stonewall could run through walls. Where the hell are these receivers being bred?!? The kicks I received from the Chiefs media crew were but tickles to my slightly intoxicated senses.
- QB Bo Callahan
- My hip flask is mysteriously empty. So is the one I had hidden in my sock. I'm eyeing off my fellow alumni at the Raiders media table. He is looking way to shmug for my liking...I'm sure he's been drinking my hooch. It definitely had nothing to do with the dare he made. The same functionary who talked to me last time has informed me that trying to start a fight with the Raiders was not a good idea on many levels. The Falcons are quite excited about the Callahan kid. He seems to think the black uniforms are quite spiffy. I did see my notes said "Could drill a hole through concrete with that arm", so let's go with that.
- DT Aaron Donald
- The Seahawks recruited some big bugger for the defensive line. He looks good...my notes say he is an athletic bastard ideally suited for a 4-3 formation. Right now though, my empty hip flask investigation is leading me back to the 49ers table, who I am still confident were the main conspirators behind the missing cream cheese. Some guys in fancy security uniforms are starting to circle, but I'm sure I'm faster.
- WR Mike Evans
- Ha! I'm faster than the security officer fancy dress guys and they can't turn for anything. I may have spilt the sponsor-placed drink of some tall glass of water that the Bears have recruited. He was a tad upset, but not as upset as their other recruit when I ran past their table humming Entrance of the Gladiators. Their new DE growled at me and threw the table at me.
- WR Sammy Watkins
- Oh, look! Another receiver has been picked. Something about the Top 10 picks has the Raiders table angry. Somehow they've got a car available to turn over and set on fire...in the draft hall. I'd want to know more but when you're face down with a 300lbs security guard on your back who seems to have a grudge, you don't get to ask a lot of questions.
The best review I can give as a Broncos' fan of the top 10 is that only 2 of the freaks are in the AFC. I'm also sure some bastard spiked my drink. I mean, it was only two hip flasks and it normally takes a good bottle
of whiskey for me to go naked and attempt to cover myself in cream cheese. And I'm a little worried about the looks the guy in the corner of my holding cell is giving me.
Tell my family I love them...and tell my employers it wasn't me.