An Idiot's Top 10 Draft Review - 2020 Edition
Hah! Utilising my shadiest connections in Greenwood Village, I have managed to concoct a masterful disguise and false documents to gain entry again into the GZL Draft Hall as a Denver Broncos media representative. As far as the GZL officials know, I am NOT
the guy who terrorised the draft hall during the 2017 GZL Draft. And I was not the one who hummed a carnival tune at Jadeveon Clowney, had a table thrown at me and ended up naked and covered in cream cheese.
No siree...that was not me. I promise to be on my best behaviour. See? My bandolier of hip flasks is in this here official looking brief case, ok?
Anyway, onto the draft. And with my beloved Broncos trading out of the first round AGAIN
, it is up to me to provide a comprehensive coverage of the top 10 picks...along with the other 400 journos in the draft hall.
- HB Ezekiel Elliot
- And we're off! And we have a running back going with the first overall pick?!? It's like the Jets have just committed the gravest of sins. 30 guys just ran to the five pay phones on the wall like they've just scored the greatest scoop. Kudos to the Jets team...they have finally proven that one of the most important components of your offense can
be drafted first overall. God knows we seen enough quarterbacks and corners go in past seasons. As for the player himself, he looks tough and is reportedly fast. Wait...why in 2020 do we still have pay phones mounted on a wall?!? Is this for some sort of irony?
- LT Laremy Tunsil
- Hurray! My drinking game as started. Everytime a team picks a Top 10 Usual Suspect (ie. a corner, quarterback, receiver or offensive tackle) I get to drink one of my hipflasks. But apparently not in full view, given the stink eye I was just given by the Raiders crew who have once again managed to get a car into the draft hall again and have petrol cans and lighters on hand. I am slightly angry...this Tunsil kid has the kind of athletic ability my Broncos like and make him a prototypical Ryan Clady clone.
- WR Tyler Boyd
- Yeaaaah! A wide receiver! That deserves another drink. Ducking my head under the table to gulp down the contents of a hip flask seems to drawing the attention of the security guards. At least this time I get a decent look at the kid the Vikes have recruited because I'm not being kneed in the back by a 300lbs security guard. He looks good. The Vikings GM appears to be on the phone trying to convince some Mrs Blackmon that her cash cow is safe. Having seen his contract, that signing bonus will keep him paid for at least this season. I try to throw off the guards suspicion by walking nonchalantly over to the food tables, but may have failed when I loudly proclaimed "Oh my god! Where's the goddamn cream cheese!?!"
- WR Laquon Treadwell
- I like whiskey. It's probably a good thing as well because the Bills just awarded me another drink. I like this guy over the Vikings pick simply because he has the strength of a tight end and better game smarts. A nod goes out to Cordarelle Patterson, whose path to starting redemption lasted all of one week. At least he can enjoy his $3.3M signing bonus. Wait...that sounded like an actual, valid analysis. We can't have this! Time to go looking for cream cheese because my bagel isn't going to cheese itself!
- WR Armani Chance
- Well, that's a hat-trick of wide receivers. I need to be careful putting my empty hip flasks back in the brief case. They're making an awful racket. And apparently my loud "Ssssh!" to them as I walk between the tables looking for this years cream cheese thiefs has only drawn further attention to myself. My friend, the 300lbs security guard from 2017 has just entered the hall and looked straight in my direction. I think my obsession with cream cheese and somewhat tipsy nature may be undercutting my masterful fake nose and glasses disguise. On the actual draft front, Chance joins the previous two picks in basically telling three potentially viable veteran starters that they are too old and to hit the pine. Won't someone think of the arthritic old bastards?!?
- CB Vernon Hargreaves I
- I don't know who looks more disappointed: the corner the Raiders just picked because he now gets to live out his dream in Oakland, or the Raiders draft team who actually got the target they wanted, thus thwarting their perceived legitimate reason for tipping their car over and setting it on fire. I give them two more picks before they remember that tipping a car and setting it on fire is also a legitimate way for their people to celebrate. Any why does this guy have a "I" to his name? Does he already have a son? Why would he inflict the name Vernon upon his son?!? Anyway, to acknowledge their drafting fortune, I stood up and toasted their table with a hip flask (a corner fits the drinking game after all). My friend the security guard is starting to slide along the wall in my direction, so I do believe I have given the game away. I still have no cream cheese, but I came prepared. Excuse me while I put on these here running shoes.
- MLB Reggie Ragland
- I bring you this pick from the table of the Kansas City Chiefs who have been kind enough to provide sanctuary and temporary diplomatic immunity (cheers lads). To celebrate this turn of fortunes I share a drink with their own reporter whose team is also not in the first round. The security guard is standing close by, but I know I've put serious work into my cardio over the last few seasons and the security guard appears to have skipped leg day. To ensure the security guard stays away, I actually concentrate and consider that Ragland is an excellent pick for a team whose linebacker corps was in desperate need of new blood and Ragland's strong physical skills will be a long-term asset in Arizona.
- QB Teddy Bridgewater
- Right now, the Indianapolis Colts depth chart is so empty that they could throw a dart at piece of paper with the draft's top prospects and they'd hit something that was of need for them. Which is probably why the franchise just shipped the entire team in for the draft. I mean, some teams have a bigger draft crew than the Colts have a playing roster. Thankfully, they've found some alcohol somewhere and have distracted my personal security guard. So while I have another drink for a usual suspect pick, I'll slip into my backup disguise and return to the Broncos table. I am confused over the recruitment policy of Indianapolis though. It may be the whiskey talking, my shock at discovering cream cheese wasn't provided this year (but bagels were?!?) or just another reason why I'm not a recruiter, but the fact they couldn't dip into the UFA for a quality quarterback would suggest going mercenary is not a viable long-term strategy.
- OT Jack Conklin
- Apparently looking like Broncos' GM Wade Pearce only
works as a disguise if you can plausibly deny that the guy posting selfies and making Twitter posts from the golf course is not the real person. I tried to have another drink for a usual suspect, but I figured out where the Colts' players got their alcohol from. So I swore a lot and made a lot of crashing noises when my empty hip flasks clattered on the ground. That's also not a trait GM Wade Pearce is known for. Conklin looks solid as a tackle and will help the Saints on the offensive line while probably ending the careers of some more veterans. These young guys are all cruel and are only perpetuating the ongoing cultural problem of elderly employment. I have also contacted Agent X as I prepare my escape.
- QB Connor Cook
- The Cowboys' newest player is smiling but the scene in front of him is starting to look like Escape from New York crossed with a Ukrainian parliamentary debate, so it's starting to slip and he's looking to escape. I feel sorry for him, because the Cowboys have picked up what I think is a winner and possibly my ultimate pick of the top 10. He has height, arm strength and good game knowledge while only being 22. Thumbs up!
The adrenaline pumping through my system as I make my escape has blown away the cobwebs of my earlier drinking. I am using the smoke created by the Raider's now fully-ablaze, upturned car to sneak past my pal the 300lbs security guard and the Colts' players are practicing carrier landings on their team's table. Three seasons playing Assassin's Creed along with copious amounts of cardio work has me parkouring my way over tables, burning cars and security guards. Just because I can, I deploy the smoke generator in my brief case, adding to the chaos. All it needs now is red laser pointers to disect the smoke and it would be game over.
Last I heard, the only evidence they found of my presence was a pile of hip flasks along with fake glasses, moustache and nose from a joke shop. No over-friendly guys in jail cells for me this year! And I've got some new ideas for the next draft I attend.
As always...tell me family I love them and my employers I didn't do it. I'm going into hiding.