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Texans #22 Houston Texans
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Texans Pulse

Texans Tea: Texans ready for AFC South
Texans prepared to take over AFC South

On the eve of preseason and with the regular season just around the corner, the GZL is up and running and the Texans for one appreciates all the work done by the commishes.

"It is a thankless job, literally like herding 32 cats," commented Texans GM Tim Miller. "I have done it before and you can never please all of the people. Some people want it to go faster, some people want more time, and some people just disappear. I appreciate what Garth has done and what AF is doing."

Then he added with a grin, "Because it is that much closer to us being able to stomp some Titan BUTT!"

Training camp in Houston has been completed and they are definitely looking bigger, faster, and stronger. New playbooks have been tried, new players have been worked into the team, and things are starting to work like a well-oiled machine.

Even the experts agree.

"(Titans GM Tim) Nissen is a bum! Gave him the best VIP dance of his life, told me he was going to the ATM for cash, and he ran out!" commented Judy Baker, aka Trixie from Gold Diggers. "Texans are going to walk all over them!"

"In my opinion, the Texans have the tools, they have the coaching staff, and the have the players," explained CBS commentator Rony Tomo. "I mean, they could get a better QB if they signed me, but they just need to find the discipline and the right playbook, but the definitely improved their team much more than the Titans this offseason."

"We are seeing big money being put down on the Texans winning the AFC South with 10-11 wins," a source from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas confirmed. "At first it was just trickling in, but, once the controversy started, the spigot really opened."

What was that controversy?

Balls, but not deflated footballs like Deflategate. No, we are talking the ones attached to a man's body and it starts at the top.

Titan whistleblowers have confirmed that if they are down at halftime, they all have to strangely change their jockstraps. And that is when the burning begins, along with the smell of Icy Hot.

A former Titans equipment manager says he has text messages from a Phoenix area cell phone with the message "Light them up!" He claims they come from Titans GM Tim Nissen.

Former Titans left guard Andres Crawford thought there was something going on and was incensed. "He is messing with my family jewels man! I mean, yeah, it woke me up, it got me mad, and I took it out on the other team. But those are my jewels!"

Nissen has denied any allegations, but the league has stepped in and disallowed any topical pain relief products in the Titans locker room plus has a special dog now located as the players exit the locker room to check for the existence of any cream being applied.

"Just sad what some people will do to gain an advantage," sighed Miller. "It will be good for all of football when we take him down this year."

This has been Ilika Footlong reporting.

Forum Discussion (by T_Miller on 11/06/2017) Replies - 1 :: Views - 13

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At A Glance

GM T_Miller
Head Coach Jim Haslett
Offensive Coordinator Jeff Fisher
Defensive Coordinator L.Webb
Special Teams R.Tillman
Salary $172.85M
Cap Penalty $460K
Cap Room $690K


AFC South
#13 Titans Titans 1-0-0 1.00 1-0
#11 Jaguars Jaguars 1-0-0 1.00 0-0
#22 Texans Texans 0-1-0 0.00 0-0
#23 Colts Colts 0-1-0 0.00 0-1

1 Sun at Lions Lions #16
Lost 34-37
2 Sun at Colts Colts #23 TBD
3 Sun at Broncos Broncos #27 4:05pm
5 Sun vs Colts Colts #23 1:00pm
6 Sun at Titans Titans #13 1:00pm
7 Sun at Browns Browns #19 1:00pm
8 Sun vs Bengals Bengals #12 4:00pm
9 Sun vs Ravens Ravens #25 1:00pm
10 Sun at Jaguars Jaguars #11 1:00pm
11 Sun vs Vikings Vikings #18 1:00pm
12 Sun at Steelers Steelers #32 4:00pm
13 Sun vs Titans Titans #13 4:15pm
14 Sun at Packers Packers #14 1:00pm
15 Sun vs Bills Bills #20 1:00pm
16 Sat vs Jaguars Jaguars #11 4:15pm
17 Sat vs Bears Bears #15 1:00pm

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